Where the lonely ones roam
by kgbucky
Summary: James Buchanan Barnes, Natasha Romanoff's former trainer and lover is back and the spy, who does her best not to show her feelings finds herself drowning in them. He doesn't remember who he is, and, the most painful for her, he doesn't remember what they had.
1. Remembrance

She never thought that she would see him again, those deep eyes of a greenish-blue color, the same ones she had looked into countless times. The same ones who had flashed her dozens of emotions at once. She never thought she would his his voice again, the one which had said those three words she feared the most; the one that had a soothing effect on her even though it shouldn't.

She was twenty when she met him, she still remembered the day they announced she had a new trainer. The first time she laid eyes upon him, she traced his fate, all she saw was a challenge, another man for her to seduce and then dispose of. Oh, how she would love to shatter his American heart. James Buchanan Barnes was there to teach them how the American soldiers fought, it was the one fighting style she still hadn't mastered, but she wanted to be the best Widow.

"Again!" He shouted. Natasha had already repeated the same movement countless times, she had mastered it; executed it with perfection and, still, he made her do it again. "Your movements, Natalia, are to swift, gracious. This is a rough fighting style."

Natasha sighed in annoyance and positioned herself, ready for another round. The man in front of her was twice her size and she attacked him, her shoulders squared as he had taught her, she projected all her anger into the punch she threw at the man and ended up knocking him out.

"Is that better?" She hissed at him, a murderous look in her eyes when she looked at him.

"Much better." He nodded. "You can take a break now."

Barnes had been training her for a month then and he wasn't satisfied with her progress, he said her movements were too delicate no matter what she did. So, in an effort to master those movements, she started training during the night, sometimes, she spent the entire night training; weeks without sleep and rest until she finally managed to execute them the right way.

It was late night in the Red Room facility and she was training in peace; it was much calmer without any trainers or instructors to tell her what to do. She was punching a punching bag, letting out all the anger she had been holding back for the past few days, she mixed all kinds of movements from all fighting styles she knew. The sound of her punches and groans filled the silence that reigned in the training room. It was, somehow, soothing.

"Natalia." He spoke. His deep voice coming from behind her made her stop and the silence reigned in the room again. For a few seconds, she stood facing the punching bag. But the she finally turned to face him.

"James." She replied with a small nod and resumed her training.

"You're doing it wrong." The man said, she could feel his eyes still glued on her back, his intense gaze seemed to drill holes on her skin, to see through her. "Your movements are too delicate, this is not how men fight."

Upon hearing those words, Natasha stopped mid-kick and turned to face him, she could feel the anger building up inside her, "I am no man. And you are in no position to criticize my fighting style." She stated harshly, a murderous look in her eyes, "I will not take any kind of bullshit concerning my fighting, especially not from you. I know every weak spot in the human body and I can take down a man twice my size in less than 30 seconds using those 'useless skills'"

"Is that so?" There was a challenging tone in his voice, it made her even more angry.

"So you don't believe me. Why don't we fight so I can prove my point?"

"As you wish, Natalia." He replied, a confident smirk played on his lips as he walked towards the mat where the fight would take place and took his position, waiting for her.

Natasha walked to where he stood, positioning herself in front of him. In about five seconds, she had noticed around ten weak spots in his body, many which, if hit the right way, could kill him. She knew he wouldn't make the first move, so she did. Her target was his neck and, aiming at it, she dashed towards him. Because of her light steps, she seemed to float in a seemingly impossible speed. Still, on the last moment, she decided to on attacking his legs in an attempt of unbalancing him. She made a mistake.

As she expected, he fell to the ground, but she was a millisecond too slow and he managed to get a good grip on her ankle, he pulled it and she fell on the ground, but she twisted her body in a way she could use her shoulder to hit his back. Her lips curved in an almost invisible smile,_ almost,_ for James noticed it and he rolled off her way. She hit her shoulder painfully on the ground and he rolled back on top of her, pinning both her arms on top of her head.

Their faces were close, too close. His nose was almost touching hers and she could feel his hot breathing on her lips, his face was flushed, his hair was mated to his forehead and neck and sweat gathered on top of his brow and she was sure she looked pretty much the same way. Their loud breathing was the only thing that broke the silence. Then he kissed her.

"Nat!" Steve shouted making her wake up from her daydream. They were taking shifts at S.H.I.E.L.D's hospital – well, what they called hospital – looking out for Bucky. It was taking him some time to recover after being brainwashed for the third time.

"Uh?... Yes, Steve, what is it?" She looked away from the window and into her eyes.

"It's my turn to stay here." he told her and she nodded.

"Oh, okay." She stood and left the room without asking any further questions. She knew Steve and Bucky were friends, but no one knew of her romance with James and she wanted it to continue that way.

Natasha could try as much as she wanted, but she could never pretend she didn't love him, in fact, he was the only one she loved in a very long while and she still missed his voice and his soft hair and his eyes and it broke her to know that he wouldn't remember anything when he woke up, that all those memories, as it was proven before, during their first encounter, were all gone.

She locked herself in her room and laid on the bed facing the ceiling, she missed him. It was the first time she admitted that to herself and it felt weird. It was so weird, she went to the fridge and got a bottle of Vodka for her to drink. She uncapped it and drank straight from it, she loved the burning sensation on her throat, at last, something familiar. She was tired of that life, she just needed rest. Natasha walked back to the bed and laid sat on it. After she had drained almost ¾ of the bottle, she finally put it aside and laid down, enjoying the light buzz in the back of her head and allowed herself to close her eyes for a mere second.

"Natasha! Open the door!" Steve shouted waking her from her slumber. She inhaled sharply, the scent of alcohol was strong in the room and she felt a light headache, but nothing unbearable, that was, if Steve stopped knocking on the door that loudly.

"Coming." She said, her voice hoarse as she walked towards the door and reached for the knob slowly. She opened it and Steve grabbed her by the arm and ran with her to the "hospital".

"What is so urgent, Captain?" She asked as they waited for the doors to open. Finally and with a pressurized hiss, the aisle was revealed.

"Natalia! I want to see Natalia!" He shouted and debated on the bed despite the effort of all the other agents of holding him back.

Her breath was caught in her throat, she couldn't believe in what she saw, he remembered her after all? She ran to him, pushing her way through the many agents that crowded around the bed and their eyes locked.

"James." She breathed. It was almost inaudible.

"Natalia." He muttered, the spark of recognition that lit up in his eyes was painful and it was much more painful for her to see it die as he blacked out, finally the nurse had managed to give him the right doze.

"Natasha." She felt Steve's hand on her shoulder, "Did you know him?"

"I... Yes, I did." She replied and then turned to face him, "But I don't anymore."


	2. Past

Natasha was paralyzed. She never thought that he would remember her and it had been a surprise – a good one – to see that hint of recognition in his eyes, even if for just a moment.

"Why didn' you tell me, Nat?" Steve asked awakening her from her thoughts.

"Tell you what?" She replied looking at him

"You know, the thing about you knowing Bucky and stuff." He shrugged casually, but she could feel the anger that was bottled up inside him, daring to explode.

"Steve, my personal life and my past are no one's concern." Natasha said, her tone, once casual was now bitter and cold.

"It is, if it concerns Bucky!" He shouted and Natasha retreaded a few steps back, afraid of what he might do to her.

"No, it isn't. Besides, I might know him better than you do." She told him as she walked towards the man again. He towered over her, but she confronted him, no one, not even Steve could talk to her like that. Her tone harsh, ice cold. "There's so much about me that you don't know and never will. Rogers, you better be careful when speaking to me especially when you're talking about James."

"Nat I -" He started to say.

"You may have been his best friend, but I was more than that, I was his lover and he is the only person in the world who knows everything about me." She told him, "And, before you open your pretty little mouth and say that it hurts you that he doesn't remember you, imagine how _I _feel, knowing that he doesn't remember me, that he doesn't remember anything that we've been through."

She turned her back on him and walked back to her room. There was still a slight hope inside her that he would remember her. It was the only thing that kept her from sleeping through the night. She would stay awake until he was awake, and only when she was sure that he could go through a night without any problems. Natasha loved him, she cared about him and she couldn't deny it, for more that she wanted to.

**~X~**

It was early in the morning when she left her room, she was already used to the lack of sleep, one more night wouldn't be a problem. She went to the hospital aisle and waited by his side the whole morning, she saw Steve passing by once or twice, but he wouldn't dare to come in. When it was one p.m., he woke up. He inhaled deeply, startling Natasha, who looked at him.

"James?" She asked as she stood and walked closer to the bed, "James, how are you feeling?"

But the spark of recognition was no longer present in his eyes and it was like a knife buried deep inside her. "James? No one calls me James, only Bucky."

"James? You don't remember... anything?"

"No." He stated blankly, looking around, trying to identify the place he found himself in, "Who are you?"

Apparently, Natasha would have to start from scratch, "I'm Natas- Natalia Romanova." She used her old name, to see if it still meant anything to him, anything at all.

"Nice to meet you." And it didn't. "Um... Where am I? Where is Steve?"

"Right... It might be a little different for you to understand now, but with time, you'll be able to catch up."

"Please, Miss Natalia, explain it to me."

"Um... This is the Triskelion, the main base of an agency called S.H.I.E.L.D. In Washington D.C." She spoke, with every word, her heart broke a little and the knot on her throat tightened, "This is the year 2014."

"What?!" He gasped, "But I... It was 1945! Did we win the war?"

"Yes, you did." She sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

"Good." He seemed to relax visibly.

"Um... I'll leave you here to rest. I have some stuff to do." She left the room.

That talk had made her desperate, he didn't remember her, he didn't remember anything after 1945. What had they done to him? Still, there was one last chance for her, she could introduce him to the world, spend as much time with him as possible, try to make him hers once more.

Her phone rang. "Romanoff?" Fury sounded from the other side of the line.

"Yes, sir?"

"I have a job for you."

"Anything, sir." She sighed, the last thing she needed was another mission.

"I have heard that Mr. Barnes is awake and doesn't remember anything." He told her, "Since Steve and him have a connection, I need _you _to teach him about the world."

"Of course." She felt a small amount of happiness, hope, light up inside her, perhaps, after spending that much time with her, he'd start to remember. "Sir, if I may, why was I chosen for this task?"

"Because you, unlike Steve, have no relation to James and, if you do, he doesn't remember you, so it will be better if you introduce him to the modern world."

"Very well." She said, "Well, I'm off sir."

"Okay, Agent Romanoff."

**~X~**

"Hey, remember me?" Natasha asked when she got back to the infirmary. It took her a while to gather the courage she would need to face him again, but she finally managed to go back there. He was sitting on the bed, the machines that monitored his state were shut down and he was free of the serum that was flowing constantly into his veins just minutes ago.

"Sure, Natalia, right?" He answered, not facing her, he looked blankly at the sheets that barely covered his muscular chest and arms, and, she figures that he must have finally noticed the metal arm. Well, she couldn't blame him for being that way, it was something hard to digest.

"I... Yes." She walked to him, sh would have to get used to being called by her old name. "Are you feeling better?"

"I am," He nodded, "Could you please tell me why I have this metal arm?"

"Yes, but I don't think you're ready for this."

"Yes, I am! Everyone's keeping secrets from me, you, Steve... I don't even know who to trust anymore." He said and looked at her, "Tell me, Natalia, _please_ I want to know, I _need _to know."

How could she say no to him? To his big and beautiful eyes, he was almost breaking and he had the right to know. "I... Okay, I'll tell you, but why don't you get up and get dressed so we can go for a walk?"

"O-Okay." He nodded, she could see the gratitude in his eyes, the anticipation he felt was almost palpable. James stood, the blanket he wore fell, exposing his bare chest and the pants he wore. "Um... So do you have a shirt and shoes I could borrow, I mean, it's not like I can go out without them."

_'Oh, but you look just fine_' Natasha enjoyed that sight far more than she wanted to admit to anyone or even to herself, "Sure, I'll get one right now." She left the room and went to Steve's room, luckily, he would be out, so she wouldn't have to explain the situation to him. There would be nothing that would hurt him more than to hear that she and not him, Bucky's best friend was designated to teach him about the world.

She picked the lock and borrowed a shirt and a pair of military boots knowing that he wouldn't notice that one of the many white shirts he had was missing – that seemed to be all that Steve kept at his room on the base. Not that she could say anything, she only had her catsuits and gym clothes there. Natasha made her way back to the hospital where she would meet James.

"Here." She handed him the shirt and watched with attentive eyes all of his movements as he put on the shirt and then the boots.

"Thanks, now, can we go?" He asked, she could feel the anticipation, the nervousness in him, it bled thickly on his words and actions, the James she knew would never allow that to happen, the James she knew would maintain his calm demeanor no matter what the situation was.

"Of course." She said and started to make her way towards the door. His steps were heavy and made a somewhat loud noise, unlike the steps of the James she knew, his were silent, perfect for sneaking. Bucky would most likely have to work for S.H.I.E.L.D, so she would have to train him, start from scratch. Because of the sound of his steps, she didn't even have to look back to know that he was right behind her.

They were walking around the water mirror near the obelisk that stood right before the capitol. It was an autumn afternoon and almost everything around them, from the sky to the trees was colored red, orange or green. That way, the white marble of the buildings stood out. It was a beautiful sight.

James walked by her side, he looked around him amazed by the sights and she figured that he had never been in Washington before.

"Well... About your arm..." She began. For the first time in her life, she wasn't sure of what she was dong. "That's quite a long story. Are you sure you want to know?"

"Yes, I am, Natalia." His voice was grave. "We have more than enough time."

"Very well." She nodded, "Back in the second world war, when you and Steve were assaulting a cargo train with Hydra weaponry, you fell off the train. Everyone thought yo were dead, but you were rescued by the Red Room, a Russian facility that trained spies and super soldiers for the KGB. I remember when you got there, I was still young, 20 years old. So-"

"Hold on a second, you were 20 in 1945?" James asked confused. "How is that even possible?"

"The same way Steve looks like he's 25 when he's actually 95." She replied as if that was the most obvious thing. "As I was saying, ~you ost your arm when you fell and it was replaced by the metal arm. You took the super soldier serum, the same one that Steve and I did. In the late 80s and early 90s the Red Room was shut down and we went our different ways, I went to S.H.I.E.L.D and you... Well, I didn't know where you'd gone until a few days ago, but went to Hydra."

"Oh..." He muttered, "And you and me..."

"We... You and I... Were just friends." She said avoiding his gaze, "Very good friends."

"Right." He nodded, "Thanks for telling me this, Natalia."

"You're welcome, James." She obliged, "So, we have a lot of catch up to do with history and you must train hand-to-hand combat. What do you want to do first?"

Natasha asked that even though she already knew the answer, due to the tension he was bottling up, he would choose fighting. Besides, James had never been one who enjoyed books and history. "Fighting."

"Then we must head back to the base, they have an excellent training room. Besides, I'll have to teach you some stuff before you go to field missions."

He did not reply, there was no need for him to do so. That being, he just followed her back, always staring at the trees, at the landscape completely amazed. A small smile made itself present on her face.

They got to the Triskelion and went to the training room. James looked at it amazed. _What's all that for? _He seemed to say though no words left his half parted lips. His eyes scanned the room, looking for something familiar, something that didn't look so new, so modern. Since she had been planning to go training since early in the morning, she already wore a tank top underneath her shirt and leggings under her pants, so she undressed there, folding her clothes neatly and placing them on a corner of the mat. She could feel his gaze on him, he was at the same time shocked and and curious.

"Why don't we warm up before we start?"

"Yes..." He nodded absent minded, his gaze still focused on her. "Let's warm up."

Natasha made her way to the treadmill and explained how thee equipment worked. He had always been a fast learner, so he had no problem catching up with that. For 30 minutes they ran and, when huge drops of sweat gathered all over her face, she stopped. But Natasha was not out of breath, she still had plenty of energy to spend in fighting.

They went to the mat. Natasha had to teach him how to fight the martial arts, since he was only acquainted to the fighting style of the army. She was in an attack position, preparing herself to attack when he said.

"I'm not fighting you._"_

"And why is that?" She asked raising her brow.

"Because you are a _woman._"

"You're not scared of getting hurt, are you?" She asked mockingly, "I promise I'll go easy on you."

"Me? Scared of you?" He replied, "There's nothing you could think of doing that might hurt me."

"Is that so?" Natasha said taking a step closer to him.

"Yes."

"Wanna try it?" Her tone turned into one of challenge. James would never refuse a challenge.

"Why not?" He shrugged, he was so full of himself and her victory was so imminent that she had to remind herself not to underestimate him, but not to show him her best.

"As you wish, _Bucky._"

Natasha prepared herself to attack, she struck him on the chest with so much strength that she almost broke his ribs. All the air he had gathered on his lungs left his body in one single exhalation and he fell to the floor.

"How did you...?" He asked after he was able to breathe normally again.

"That's why I'm here, to teach you how to do this." She told him, "Now, why don't we go again and, this time, don't underestimate me just because I'm a woman, give me your best."

James nodded and stood again, taking a position of attack similar to hers. And it was as if she had been transported back in time, Natasha knew he wouldn't strike first, so she made the first move, she aimed at his feet, she squared her shoulders, so he thought he knew what was coming, but she hit his feet and made him fall. But she was too slow again and he managed to get a grip on her arm, pulling her down on top of him. And she stood there, his hair mated to his neck and forehead, sweat gathered above his brow and he breathed heavily, she was sure she looked just the same way. And she just stared into his eyes and he did the same.

Natasha hoped she would find something else than what she say, something that what she already saw. She wanted to find the smallest hint that he recognized her as Natalia Romanova, the girl who he trained, the girl who he loved and who loved him back. But all she could see was that same look. He only showed that he had met her that day, that he was still getting to know her. That was very frustrating.

"What the-?" Steve's voice echoed through the room.


End file.
